Time moves on.

I hate having no Internet, I’ve found a free source of wifi, and can spend time at my brothers. But I’m so used to being able to jump online and do what I please, whenever I please. It’s weird being so limited.

At my brothers this weekend, things have been progressing in my life quite well. I’ve got my daughter here with me, I can’t have her in the place I’m staying at the moment. So my brother has opened his home to us both so I can have some time with her.

My cars going well, had the breaks done and tires balanced and aligned. She’s running real nice, I love being mobile again.

My wife and I are talking, that’s half the battle. We are getting beyond some of our issues and working together to sort out our time with our daughter. It’s nice to be able to spend time with her again, if only occasionally.

I’m still waiting to see if I manage to get a house for me and my daughter, I’ve sent my application threw but am still waiting for Houseing NZ to get it processed. Fingers crossed.

😉

The Good, The Bad and The Fugly

28/7/2012

So about two weeks ago I got given a car. Totally out of the blue. My brothers neighbors had just got an new ride and offered me their old Subaru. Sweet. It runs (both forward and backwards), and turns (both directions) and even stops when I need it to. Is registered and warranted and all I need to do is get another tire to replace a worn one and rear break pads and I’ve been told it should be fine for it’s next WOF. (Warrant of Fitness) WOOT!

I’ve recently moved into a Salvation Army men’s hostel and it’s not as bad as I first thought. It was becoming difficult to continue staying at my brothers, he loves me and wants to help, but living on his lounge floor in his small house with his wife and two boys was never a long term option. This place is ok as far as everyday living goes, the food is pretty good, it’s warm, and the others here seem pretty good guys. No internetness though, so blogging is difficult. Ahh.!

I’ve spoken to Housing New Zealand about my need for a house, and had my needs accessed by them. So far from what I’ve been told I stand a pretty fair chance of getting a house where I can have my daughter part time. Somewhere reasonable that fits into my current budget. Which isn’t that much at the moment. Nice.

I had my first joint councilling session with my wife on Thursday…didn’t go well. She’s wasn’t willing to compromise, not prepared to meet the required costs of our shared dept, and not happy with me having my daughter. She said in front of the councilor that she didn’t want me to have shared custody of my daughter as she didn’t believe I was competent as a father. I felt like she had slapped me. That she could think I’m a bad parent and not capable of looking after our daughter. Or at least that she’s pretending to be worried, I was the full time care giver for our daughter since she was born. I hope things work out, I can’t stand to even think of a life without my daughter.

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1/8/2012

So things have changed a little, my wife’s getting a loan to pay her share of the dept in a lump sum. And my living costs have been taken care of for a few weeks giving me a bit of space to sort out other bills. Top up my new car, and prepay cell, sort out a couple of small bills that needed attention. The lump sum when it goes through will mean I can relax a little and not stress about making payments on my small budget. Such a relief.

 

 

 

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Missing my Daughter

My sister in law is sick and her boys too, so my wife and I didn’t want my daughter here incase she caught something. She’s just started to feed from the bottle instead of the nasal gastric tube, so we don’t want anything to happen that might put her off. So that means I don’t get to see her this weekend…. Poo. And I’m looking after my nephews… not so poo really… ‘cept when one of them needed a nappy change.

Been spending a lot of time just surfing around looking at interesting things online, got a firefox plugging called RSS Ticker, it runs my RSS feeds as tickers along the bottom of my browser. Is good for getting new items from my feeds without having to go through every item. Nice.

Got more homework to do from my psychologist, haven’t even looked at it yet, will go over it on Monday I think. I’ve moved my appointment with him to later in the week so I can do one trip and have my marriage councilors appointment on the same day.

Have an appointment early this week with a couple of people regarding housing, hope to have a flat soon. Still working my way through a list of possible locations, but it keeps coming down to what’s reasonable for my daughter and I. And flat mates that are willing to have a baby stay on weekends, allowing some baby proofing etc.

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No Title

So I’m running out of titles for my posts already, maybe because I don’t have a whole lot to say today.

Had a good day today, had my first meeting with my marriage councilor and then my normal session with my psychologist. Pretty much spilt my guts to the marriage councilor, I figure if I want my marriage back I need to give all the details so she can work out the best way to help. My wife sees her on Thursday, I’m hoping she’s as open and wants this more than she wants to hold onto her pain and anger.

I’m feeling better about our separation though, something had to give. I’m having to ignore the part of me that hurts and feels she’s abandoned me, she did what she felt was best for her. I can accept that, I just need to do the same now.

Had another couple of negative responses to job applications yesterday, my response was to apply for three more jobs. “Take that, world!” I spend a lot of time searching job sites and flat hunting, going into see a property manager tomorrow about available flats he has on his books. I need somewhere I can have my daughter, warm and safe with good flat mates.

 

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Working on a new start.

So I’ve been in touch with my old boss and he’s put out a few feelers for work where I am. I’m hoping I can wrangle an interview with the company here, from what I hear they’re screaming for competent staff and several positions are open. So I’m hoping I can score a job here, anything has got to be better than welfare.

I’m still looking for a flat, sleeping on my brothers floor makes it hard for all of us. He’s got his family and the house is quite small, so I can’t stay here for an extended period anyway. Though they’ve welcomed me and seem to like me staying, I’m cramping their style. And I’ll feel better when I have a place of my own, somewhere I can be alone and myself.

I’m still looking for a car or motorbike too, some kind of transport, something to get around in and give me back my freedom. I don’t like being reliant on others, doesn’t make me feel secure.

Right now I’ve got my daughter here, looking after her makes me happy, I can see a future with her no matter what else happens. I just need to make sure I’m here for her when she needs it.

 

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Spam weirdness.

I’ve had a lot of spam on one of my posts for some reason, if you’ve posted I’m sorry if I’ve deleted your post. Please re post with a reference to the article you’re interested so I know you’re somewhat real. ;p

A lot of the posts were in bad English, I wondered if it was translated using Google translator or something. And they were all pretty generic, with only a few making any real sense, like the one that just said I was an intelligent person. Nice.

Thanks
LC

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Homework

So my doctor has given me an assignment, I’m to think and write about who I am and what I want for myself and my loved ones. I’m going to edit and update this post as I think more about it.

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Who I am:

The problem is I don’t really know who I am, I wish I did. Part of the reason I feel lost sometimes is because I don’t feel I know who I am. Am I really who I should be?

I know I value my individuality, and I won’t stand for others trying to impose their thoughts of who I should be onto me. I might not be perfect, but I’m me, and I don’t see what’s wrong with that. 

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What I want for myself:

What do I want? I want to be wealthy in all ways. Monetary, spiritually and emotionally wealthy.

 I want to be good at something, something useful. I want to be able to point at something and be proud of how good I did, without all the dark linings that seem to cloud any achievement I make. I want something that’s mine, that I can have or share with others.

I want a job I can enjoy and be challenged by.

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What I want for my loved ones:

I want my daughter to grow up happy and loved with the knowledge that her daddy loves her very much and would do anything for her. I want her healthy and to grow into a young woman who has a strong set of values and who knows who she is.

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How am I doing?

I’ve mostly got the house sorted, more tomorrow and then it will finally be over. I just want to get on to something more, I need more.

Got My appointment with the shrink tomorrow, they’ve usually gone well, and I usually don’t know what I’ve said. It’s just talk but I’m hoping it continues to help. Sometimes I say things and it’s like I discover new things about what I feel or think. Sometimes I think there are just things I don’t want to feel or think.

Had a nice chat with My ex today, she pointed out how I am always wrong and it’s always my fault, and I pointed out that she should go f*** herself. So not a great day on the relationship front.

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Posting using a data connection

In a little backward town with little if any 3G, and I disconnected the land line yesterday. Power goes off tomorrow and I should finally be done here. Three car loads today and another couple of loads tomorrow and I should be sorted. Woot.

Got to get a doctor’s appointment tomorrow, need re-prescriptions on my meds, and a few other things need sorting. Is good to be doing something, even if it’s only basic crap that needs doing. Good to get out of the house today, back to my brothers tomorrow to camp out there until I find a place.

My current plan is, find a flat within the month, hopefully also a job and finally some kind of transport within the next two to three months. I think these things will help me a lot, I like my independence, and nothing makes me feel as bad as not having my own space and my own transport.

Another Day

Surprised I woke up early, but then I did have every alarm set for my daughters first feed so that helped. Watched Megamind with my daughter.

Internet is getting cut at the old place so no netz for me except bad cellular data reception. Doh!

Gonna start a new page about interesting stuff I like, something more to write about at least. Whoop.